June 28, 2012
Today, I feel deflated. June's behavior is out of control... again... he has proven to be a hard 2 year old, an intense 3 year old, an "ok" 4 year old and again a HARD 5 year old.
When does it stop with him? Is June destined to always be my hardest kid?
We went to a park today with MOPS friends and had Mea, who I babysit, in tow. So... I had a 5, 3, 1, and 4mo old with me, and I'm pregnant. My FIVE year old was the biggest problem. The ONLY problem. Yet, it put a damper on the entire day. We ended up leaving after only an hour. I got to talk to NONE of my friends. Eliz didn't even get to a point where she went off and played on the playground (she tends to stick to me for a while before playing). In essence, it sucked.
June is angry. June is bored. June is defiant. June is snippy and snotty. June has a poor attitude and it ruins the time for ALL of us. I feel like all I did was punish and talk to him. My friends saw an unpleasant side of me, which I HATE projecting. I feel like my body language screams "I can't handle the kids I have... and LOOK I'm crazy enough to have more."
I feel like I try REALLY hard to be a good mom, but days like this make me question everything.
Flash forward almost exactly 2 years and let me say this: I still have frustrating days. I think we all do. Any given day can have a different child short circuiting and suddenly I'm turning inward and wondering why I was deemed worthy to parent these kids. However, I have seen more and more days of parenting grace and beauty intermixed.
Case in point, there are days like today. I woke up and didn't know what we were going to do. In the Summer I tend to want to get out pretty much daily. Our backyard is off limits to the kids right now and they thrive on running off steam and playing. Our 4 walls are too limiting so a trip to some type of park or event is ideal. Plus it's GORGEOUS out and I'm well aware of how stuck we are coming Winter. If we can get out, we get out.
So again, I woke up this morning with no plans. 10:00 rolled around and I asked June what his choice of outing would be: Orange Park. Done. We got dressed, I packed waters and snacks, and off we went. We were at the park for over an hour and a half and it was perfect.
Josh and Elizabeth played together.
June had fun off on his own and Emily was her adventurous self.
The other park moms were friendly (even complimentary) and it was an easy outing. Now we are home, both boys are playing quietly and the girls are both asleep. Days like this balance out days like that.
Bottom line, don't beat yourself up. Take a deep breath. Take care of you and do your best for them. Frustrating days happen. Easy days happen. Boring days happen. Such is life. No one day is a marker on your worth or your ability or your success. It's a blip in time, treat those tremendously weighted days as just that, a blip on your ultimate radar, meaning little in the big scheme of life.
At least that's what I try to tell myself....